Trust is a bold word, almost an onomatopoeia word with the two T's banging confidence. It jumps out on a page! The two words I associate with trust are boldness and confidence, but in my life right now trust is quiet and scared. Each day my trust gets stronger yet in a gentle way. Sometimes I fall back to where I started, and I must begin again. I often wonder if I will finally let go and trust. It's hard but I know trust will bring freedom and peace. I see and feel glimpses of this, and I like what I see. And yet the battle of self continues....so I must also continue to TRUST. (Written @ 2003)
I have always been one who journals. I have a huge box, complete with lock, with all my journals. They start somewhere in the 80's, when I was in the 3rd grade. The middle school years are quite humorous and dramatic. High school was a bit better. College, interesting. My early years of marriage....well, I'm glad we grow and progress. I wrote this above entry during the 3rd or 4th year of my marriage. Marriage is one of those really good, fashioning experiences. Of course, it is an experience that endures and does not go away with time. Of this I am so glad, so glad I have a partner for life. One who knows me intimately better than any other.
We celebrated out 10 year anniversary this past June. My only regret is that it is going too fast. I look into those same eyes I first loved when I was still a teenager, and I think, "We are going to be 80 before we know it!" (Wow, I was 17 when I first met my husband. I turned 18 a few weeks later. That makes me sound really young, but we were both in college at that point.)
When I wrote that bit about TRUST I was sure it was going to be a constant battle between God and me. I would always struggle. I would get better, and then the doubts would come in again. I'm actually happy to say that because of God's doing I am resting in Trust. I've learned to submit to Christ and the events that come my way. Trust is no longer a bold word for me. Trust is a comfort word. Trust means resting in God's arms, being held by my Abba. I still grow in this act, but I am glad that I've gotten better at it. Makes me grateful for the fun and not so fun events of the last decade.
We are all in a relationship with God. He's constantly seeking out his creation. Even when we don't realize this. But we are all on a spiritual journey. It is good to look back and see how many God-sightings we have in our journeys. This is one of my favorite questions to ask friends I meet along the way.