Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Vanity and Insecurity

Vanity and insecurity: my motivations. A factor: my age. Seeing my picture in the paper: my devastation. There was no way my hair was that brown. I was a blonde. I am a blonde. It is funny how hair color really does define a person. I’m no different than any other woman. For me, blonde wasn’t dumb. Blond was beauty. I had been that blonde haired girl since my youth, and even though my lovely locks had slowly faded over time, my image of myself hadn’t. Then I opened the paper and saw my larger-than-life image of very brown hair. Shattered.

I rationalized that it was the lighting that caused this debacle. At Zumba a gal came over to congratulate me on the article she had read in the local newspaper, Brownsville Times, about my book release of Just Moms, and then remarked, “I almost didn’t think it was you. Your hair looked so brown in that picture.” And then instead of the conversations being about Just Moms, it became about my hair. Should I highlight it? Did she think of me as a blonde? Really? So, you don’t think of me as having brown hair? But that picture? It was so dark in that picture.

Even though many reassured me that my hair was still in the spectrum of being blonde, my confidence had been shaken. The last time I had tried to highlight my hair was six years ago when I convinced my husband to pull my hairs through that home-coloring-cap. He pulled way too many through and then, to make sure it really took hold, I kept the deadly chemicals on twice as long as I should have. I was still pretty scared from that horror show, and so had decided I would be all-natural from there on out.

But that newspaper picture? It was so bad. So blatantly not blonde. I took the plunge. Made an appointment. Refused to ask how much it would cost, so that I wouldn’t back out, and drove myself to the hands of a professional---eager for the hair of my youth.

“So basically, I want to walk out of here and know that you did something to my hair, but I also don’t want to walk out looking like a floozy.” My stylist knew exactly what I wanted. She delivered.

After my hair was all dried, cut, and styled I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. It was me staring back at me in the mirror, not that stranger from the paper. There was Rebekah, the Rebekah I had always known and loved. No one could mistake that for brown. I smiled, “Perfect. It looks like I just experienced the full month of August!”

I walked with confidence back to the mom-mini-van and caught my sexy reflection in a storefront window! Oh yeah! Check me out!

This new dependence and appreciation of something not natural is a big step for me. I’m the girl, who at 33, still does not have her ears pierced. Never had a cavity. Still have my tonsils and appendix. Only think make-up looks good if you can’t actually tell I have it on. I gave up on tans years ago, and instead cheer on my summer glow of freckles. Still, I’m pretty sure I’ll never go back to drab winter hair ever again. I found myself, in a bottle, and it’s all good.

9 comments:

Marcie said...

Okay - so where is the fab picture???? Now I am so curious to see the lovely light locks of lusciousness!! Love this post, Rebekah...it felt like I was sitting at the dinner table listening to one of your stories. :)

Jen Rouse said...

Yes, I think we need before and after pictures.

I gave up on sticking with my natural color when my natural color started becoming silver at the age of 24.

Carol said...

Well, when I look in the mirror my hair is brown. When I see pics of myself I am grey! How does that happen? It is so interesting how we see ourselves. When Ed married me I was a Natural Dark Auburn, Nice and Easy, #112. After my second child I decided time and $ were more important so therefore what you see is what I am.:) My youngest son, who you would think would want a younger looking Mom since I had him at an older age, freaks completely if I even think of any kind of color. Alas...

Heather said...

I havne't seen my natural color in 15 years. Congratulations on the new locks, I bet they are beautiful!

Rebekah said...

Well, no one totally notices, which is great. I wanted it to look like my summer hair it is does. If you look at the picture of me about my book and being upstaged by Obama, you'll notice it is lighter than the shot of my family on the blog's main page. The family photo was taken in Nov. which is like the last of my summer glow. I'll try and find a picture that shows how brown it had gotten this winter, but I really do think the shot in the Times had terrible lighting.

Rebekah said...

http://rebekah-outnumbered.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2011-04-13T08%3A13%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

If you follow this link you'll see shots of my darker, winter hair.

Anonymous said...

I love this post!
Laura

Anonymous said...

I love this post!
Laura

Jessica said...

Ah, Rebekah, so love this confession. It's true of all of us--wanting the image we see in the mirror to look like what we imagine it is. :) I hate seeing photos, thinking, "WHAT?! Really? That's what I looked like?" I can't wait to see it. I always think of you as blonde.