Risky Parenting

The story of Abraham, and his willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac on a pile of stones for God, is one that any parent should be totally uncomfortable with.   Frankly, I just would never have gone that far.  However, lately in my parenting journey God has continued to bring this Old Testament story to my mind.  He’s been calling me to hold up my parenting to this example that is in scriptures for us.  Am I holding my children loosely?  Am I authentic in my spiritual journey with them? Am I trusting God enough to leave my children in his hands?

I am sure many Christians would find our family's parenting methods risky.  We do not do family devotions.  We do own a children’s Bible, but let our kids choose to read from it just like any other children’s book in our collection.  We do not regularly pray before each meal or even at bedtime.  We let our oldest chose to not attend Awanas this last year.  We go to a church and we are grateful for our church community, but there are Sundays when we choose to enjoy pancakes and a slow, leisurely morning because our weeks have been full of chaos and rush.   

They also know that really bad things happen in our world.  We were open with them right from the start of their grandma’s cancer diagnosis.  There was a lot of genuine, fervent prayer spoken by three young boys during all her treatments.  They know that war happens, and that there are always negative consequences in war even if the end seems justified.  We don’t avoid topics of death.  We often tell our kids that we aren’t happy with social injustice; that it is not right and that we are uncomfortable with the fact that God does not appear to stop it.  We talk about our responsibility to be Jesus here and now, to be the light, to be the heroes.

Our best spiritual conversations seem to happen late at night or when we are driving.  One such talk happened when B announced from the back seat, “I want to get baptized.” 

We hadn’t talked about this, been pushing this, or been doing any intentional education about the obedience of baptism.  Actually, my husband and I both have Quaker backgrounds and don’t view the practice of baptism necessary in a Christian’s journey.  But I was curious and I want to honor my son’s personal understanding of a God who loves him and wants to be in relationship with him. 

“Really?  Why?”

“I love Jesus and I want other people to know and I want more of Jesus.”

I smiled. “Well, those are good reasons, except you know you don’t get more of Jesus when you get baptized,” I told him. I loved his desire to feel and know Jesus more…that is what excited me the most from this conversation. “You have all the Jesus you need.  But when we do things that help us know God more like pray, or read our Bible, there is joy felt in that. When we listen to how he’s moving us and are obedient, it might make us feel closer to him.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to do it at church.  I want to do it at our river, and I want to invite people and eat hot dogs.”  Then he listed those he wanted to invite.  I almost wanted to cry.  Over half his list included friends who probably have never even heard the word baptism. 

It was kind of a proud mommy moment, a God-sighting.  This desire to be baptized really felt right, authentic.  It was about B.  It wasn’t about my husband and me looking good to the other Christian parents at our church.  This was an organic movement of the Holy Spirit in my son.  I felt as though God had smiled down on me and said, “Thank you for letting me move and speak to your son.  Thank you for trusting me.  Thank you for holding him loosely.”

Woodland Creatures and Crystal Marbles

My boys are good at play, and if this is truly the work of children, then my children are very hard workers.  Recently, I have noticed an intensity and increase to their play.  Thankfully, they play fairly well together even though we do have the third-wheel-dynamic in our family.  Both his father and I feel routinely sorry for him as he marches from the room of play into the room we’ve escaped to, “They are not letting me play with them,” his lower lip protrudes, “I want to play with them.”  And it is true, the other two are extremely close and A does get excluded a lot.

Our oldest two play like twins: no one gives instructions, they both know their roles.  They’ve created all sorts of memorable characters over the 6 and ½ years of their brotherhood, but my favorite will always be Skater Bug and Lotion.  (Naked and Butt were a bit annoying.)   Currently they have perfected a fairly jazzy dance routine called the “Dummy Dance.”  I think it could outpace gangmen style if only this mommy would embrace You Tube.

Because I value play and imagination over all other character traits, my house is often in complete chaos.  There was a time when I dreamed for my boys to reach the early elementary years, surely there wouldn’t be so many toys scattered throughout the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms.  But this has never come to fruition.  My couches hardly ever wear their cushions.  Currently they are the frames for the woodland animal burrow that is in the TV room.  But really I’d rather them be this than sit idly waiting for some grown-up to take the time to sit on them and have a mannerly conversation in our put-together surroundings.  Plus, woodland creates are so very cute and cuddly, don’t you think?

This morning I was suspicious when I caught the boys sneaking all of my Tupperware into their woodland setting.  But I just smiled and reassured them that it would be OK.  When I entered their world I found they had sorted all their marbles, labeled the tubs with permanent markers, and were bringing a little sci-fi into their talking-animal-setting.  Somehow these marbles were secret crystals that would enable mole, chipmunk, and rabbit to acquire essential powers. 

There are breaks in their play.  Someone gets hurt, someone gets frustrated, someone feels left out.….OK, so it is always A, the youngest.  But even the oldest two need to come back to reality from time to time.  This is when they write.  Our piano room is covered in white computer paper and crayons where they compose their stories and create their character posters.  They come to me and ask, “How do you spell endangered?  Do you like my new creature?  His name is Vyzzy; he’s so cute.”

My permissible parenting has certainly been a contributing factor to their active imaginations, but there is something else driving this latest uptick…something I hate to admit to be true.  It is something I’ve ranted and raged against.  Something I have rolled my eyes over…something I have fought.  But like so many of my soapboxes:  Costco, mini-vans, blogging…I give myself full permission to change my mind, come to a compromise.  Curious?  It is the Wii.  I am so glad we put it off and made it special.  I think a 2nd grade boy is the perfect age for it, and I am glad that when they “finally” got theirs it really was a Christmas present to remember, but it hasn’t been the worst-decision-of-our-lives.  In fact, it has mostly been a good thing.

It motivates them to clean their rooms, put away their laundry, help me take out the garbage, finish their homework….it always gives me space and time to write, read, and take a nap.  It has allowed Hans and I to sleep in!  And we like playing with them.  I’m still sticking by my belief in moderation, but I need to admit that there appears to be a direct correlation in their increased desire to conduct imaginary play and all those Skylander levels they’ve conquered.  Did I really just say that?  Yes, yes I did.

Top Ten Reasons I've Been NOT Writing

10.  It is the winter, and I find the winter uninspiring.

9.  I'm no longer in those early years of parenting...when my only outlet and adult conversation was with myself and my blog comments.

8.  Also, those young years are really hilarious.  I'm finding elementary years to not be quite as chaotic, and in need of a laugh for stress relief.

7.  I've gone back to work, part-time.  My creative energies are finding venues with my preschoolers and the teacher in me is soaring again...it feels so good.

6.  I'm wanting privacy. I think all this social-networking has made my world feel very small, and I seem to be wanting more space just for myself without others crowding in.

5.  I'm finding myself being pushed into new writing venues.  And I want the time to pursue those.

4.  There are now five computer users in the house and still only one computer. 

3.  My best time to write is in the afternoon, but if I choose to sit and write it means my youngest is going to stare at the TV for hours with no interaction while his mommy gets lots of think-time.  Guilt!

2.  I'm waiting...I've written a rough draft, and I'm waiting to hear back from some 2nd and 3rd readers.  I find that in my writing process I like to take STOP time...stop time is when I put my work away, and I don't look at it for a time.  Shorter pieces mean shorter stop time; longer works can take months of ignoring.

1.  I'm asking a lot of questions, in my head.  I'm doing a lot of processing.  I'm doing a lot of listening.  I'm collecting. 

Basically I have writer's block and these are my excuses.  If I wanted to write I would make the time, create the space, embrace the habit.  Writing for me is an essential spiritual discipline.  So there is a part of me that is distracted and restless and found wanting.

One of the Best Things: I Read

 I first joined a book group back in 2000, and I was hooked.  It fed my need to verbally process, and it confirmed my belief that Truth is something that pursues all humanity.  Artists show us well how Truth pursues us. 

Also, being in a book group forces me to read books that I might not pick on my own, and helps me continue to understand the points of view of others.  I've been in three book groups since 2000, each one has been filled with women coming from diverse backgrounds and from diverse experiences, but all come with the desire to keep thinking, wondering, and processing.  I love that.

So here are some of the books I read this past year and a short vibe of if I'd recommend you reading it.  Note:  They are not intended to be plot summaries.

Narrative of the life of Fredrick Douglas!  -Amazing!  This should be required reading for all high schoolers.  I'm a bit ashamed that it wasn't part of my high school reading.  That is shameful!  We should have skipped the history text and just read this man's personal story: a first-hand account of slavery and his quest for freedom and for the freedom of all slaves in our country.  I was wowed by his insight and my favorite line went something like this, "There is a difference between American Christianity and the Christianity of Jesus."  You can read this short, non-fiction on-line for free.

Handle with Care....an emotional roller coaster meant to sell books....skip it!

Unbroken!  -One of the best true stories ever....I blogged about this book earlier this year.  Another example of God pursuing someone, but also another essential read for students of history.  So much was in this book that does not make it in traditional history classes.  I knew the general facts of the Pacific front of WWII, but knowing the facts, and hearing someone's personal experiences are very diferent things.

After the Golden Age, when I looked at my notes of this book I wrote that I liked it, but I honestly can't remember anything about it...that is the best test, skip it.  Or, it means it is a good read for a vacation.

Dovekeepers, this was not a favorite by my book group, but I don't regret reading it.  It painted a picture of Israel during the destruction of the temple, and while we discovered that the author took a lot of fictional freedom with the story, I thought the setting stayed true to the facts and painted a framework for me of another time and place.  I actually think I'd recommend it.  It has stayed with me.

Marcelo in the Real World!  Another quality read, and it is a young adult book.!  If I was back in a secondary classroom, I would assign this book to my students!  The themes in this book are rich and deep and true.  Marcelo is "different" and sees the world as such, and we need him to help us see life differently. 

Passion of Artemisia, I read this back in 2000 with my first book group, and the images have stayed with me over a decade.  I loved learning about the artwork and artists of the Renaissance.  I should really travel Italy again after reading this book and just stand in awe and wonder.  I stood in awe and wonder the first time, but this book as brought a whole new layer of understanding to the culture of that time.

Visit from the Goon Squad!  I loved this book, and I think I was the only one in my book group.  If you are an GenXer, you will relate to the themes in this book.  It really captures our current American culture through music and technology.  The last scene is chilling as a man really wants to tell a woman he loves her, but can't do it face to face, too intense, so instead uses the latest gadget to send the message.  It starts in the 70's and ends some time in the future.  One whole chapter is told through graphic organizers.  This story was creative and unique and used the evolution of pop music to help tell the story of a culture and society that has changed.

Water for Elephants-I actually saw the movie before I read the book.  I loved the movie, and I enjoyed the book.  I'm not sure how I would have felt about the movie if I had read the book first, but I actually liked who the movie combined the two "evil" characters into one main antagonist vs. the book have two separate antagonists.

Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks-This book was made for a book discussion: race, inequality, medical ethics, liabilities, fogiveness, hidden pasts...everyone should read this true story.

Till We Have Faces-I want to like CS Lewis, really I do, but I just don't like his writing style.  I totally get that he's a good writer and that his ideas are amazing.  I love his themes and the concepts he uses to tell his stories, but I just never can get through any of his writings.  SO, this is the only book this year I did not finish.  But I did enjoy the discussion.

The Birth Order Book-Any parent of children can be an expert on birth order, but the book really wasn't revolutionary.  I didn't solve any parenting delemas or personal childhood angst by reading this book.  I didn't feel like it was very research-based either...just a man's gut feelings about a topic.  Skip it and just make your own observations.

Silver Sparrow - This book was good!  It would be a great vacation read, very captivating and moved quickly, but was also written well enough that I still remember the plot and the characters and the themes.  It is about a man who marries two woman.  The one wife and daughter know about the first family and they live a few blocks from each other.  The first half is told through the eyes of the second family's daughter and then the 2nd half of the book is written by the legitamate daughter.  The book as many layers and is really more than just a book about polygamy.  It is a book about love, recognition, respecting yourself, etc.  Read it.

Well, those were my reads in 2012...2013 is looking to be another excellent years:  Irises, Pride and Prejudice, Anna Karenina...and many more.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  May you read and pursue and find!

Unpardonable Sin

I am about to commit the unpardonable sin, at least in our family…that would be on my side of the family, not my husbands.  I am pretty sure I am not mailing out any Christmas cards, pictures, or letters this year.  I say I am pretty sure, because I wonder if my guilt will win and at the last moment I will send my annual Schneiter Top Ten to the presses. 

There are several factors influencing my decision, and money is a big one.  I was recently at a holiday party with my college girlfriends…a much anticipated, yearly event.  Three out of the eight of us did not hand out any cards.  The others were being proactive and had been on-the-ball as to save a few bucks on postage.  I’ve just had too much going on this year to be that organized.  But then one of my friends spoke the truth, “It’s just a major budgetary item that I didn’t plan for this year, so I don’t think we will be sending out any.”  Exactly.  This year we caved and purchased a Wii for the boys.  How could we resist, “Mom,” my oldest informed me one day, “when we get a Wii, we will finally be like all the other families we know.”  Who knew I had deprived my children of such a life essential?  And it has been my parenting goal to be exactly like everyone else.

The other factor causing me to sin this holiday is our family picture.  I mean, it is stunning, and I do look fantabulous…always a key for a mom nearing 40…but it looks a lot like the one I mailed out last year.  Two of the boys are even wearing the same shirts.  I guess we didn’t change that much in one year.  We added no new babies to our herd, everyone has been out of diapers for a bit now, and my husband is still stuck in his braces…maybe when he gets those off and looks as fabulous as me, we will send out a matted  5 X 7 to everyone instead of the usual glossy, 4 X 6 size…or not.

And lastly, the reason I am turning my back on all that is good and right about this holiday tradition of envelopes, stamps, and family photos…my top ten lists are beginning to blend all together, sound a bit like the year before and the year before and the year before.

My husband is still teaching and coaching, our oldest two boys are still loving school and playing sports, I’m still writing and figuring out life, and our youngest is still breaking furniture and appliances.  We are still your normal, typical, family plodding through life.

So I think I’ll skip it this year, then next year when people receive our smiling faces they’ll think, “Wow, this one is so different from the last one we received.”  Then the revelation will dawn “Didn’t Hans have braces?  I think he got them off.  If you look really close you can see that his teeth are truly amazing.”

And that they are, Merry Christmas.

Family Pictures 2012

Conquering Crazy

I stared at my doctor, my allergist, "So basically I'm making all of this up, and I'm not allergic to anything?"

"Yep."

I laughed, "Awesome.  Always good to know you are a little crazy."  I stared at my arm with little prick marks tracing it from my wrist to my elbow, "You've had this happen before, right?  I'm not like the only one who thinks they are dying, but are really having panic attacks?"

He nodded.  I chose to believe him.  Not that I went immediately to the nearest seafood restaurant and ingested my growing list of food allergies: shell fish, hazelnuts, unusual cheese, hard cider....

"Something is triggering the beginning of your panic attack and that part is legitimate.  You had a real reaction to penicillin when you were young and the body remembers and so is mimicking the symptoms."  This made sense.  I remembered from my college acting class that truly, the body does remember.  You'd better be careful what you practice or when the show comes up...that's what you'll do.

"What do you think is the real symptom?"

"Heart burn?  Too much chocolate, so caffeine...racing heart etc."

I looked at him. I looked at my arm, "OK, I believe you.  This is cheaper than counseling."

Not that convincing my body that I wasn't going into anaphalactic shock would be easy, no way!  My challenge was great and my admiration for my mind was unparalleled.

I told my story to my friends.  I refused to be ashamed.  I think this was perhaps the first part toward conquering my mind.  It is always good to admit you are crazy, right?

First I decided to try rare and delicious cheese.  My mind began to work: my heart started to race, and I was sure my throat was constricting.  I sipped water and told myself over and over that if my throat was constricting then I would not be able to drink the water I was swallowing.  Slowly I calmed myself down and the symptoms went away.  The cheese was delicious.

Next I moved on to hard cider.  This was tricky because the night when I was sure I was having a reaction to this drink, my friends all saw the red rash climbing up my throat and neck.  It seemed so real. I had witnesses.  But then I remembered the words of my doctor, "No one is ever allergic to alcohol.  Many people come in here thinking they are allergic, and they are just not used to the effects of alcohol or they are eating really rich foods and having heartburn." (Mine was probably a combination...we were all enjoying some nachos together, nachos and jalapenos.) I pushed through the panic, and trusted the evidence.

Hazelnuts were fairly easy to break since they were my most recent allergy, and the panic attack I had associated with them was fairly minimal, plus I really wanted to continue my love affair with Nutella.

But the shell fish.  That one I wanted to hold on to.  I mean, couldn't my doctor have been wrong on at least one of his tests?  I mean, people die from shell fish allergies.  The time I reacted to shellfish the reaction had been so immediate, so real, so connected.  I decided to avoid all seafood except salmon.

This last weekend I was helping myself to the Thanksgiving snack bar and didn't realize the dip that I was thoroughly enjoying had crab in it.  Into my second helping I cautioned myself, "Wait, that looks like crab."  Sure enough, my symptoms began.  I tried to battle it myself, tell myself that I only began to have the reactions once my mind knew what it was, but the crab panic was hard to break.  I pulled my husband aside and told him what was happening.  He laughed.

And so did I.  "No, that's good...make me laugh.  That will help me relax.  So he did.  I sipped some water and he made fun of me."  Victory!

This has been a powerful experience for me, really.  One I am glad I've had.  I have new respect for panic attacks in general.  I think I might have made this all sound too easy, but really it has been almost a year of working through these matters-of-the-mind.  I also have great sympothy for people who have panic attacks.  It is really horrible and gets worse with each attack.

I know so many people who have gone to allergists and are told they are not allergic to anything, but they disagree. They find another "expert" who gives them a list of intolerances and they continue to avoid many delicious foods.  I hardly want to recommend doing what I did...I mean, what if I'm wrong, but I certainly can't be the only one out there.  I know I'm not the only one who has had this happen to them or is letting this happen to them.  Right?  Thoughts?

(Note:  Food concerns/beliefs have become fairly major in the last few years and there are some very real allergies, but I just wonder if a lot of it is all in our heads.  I feel a bit risky posting this because beliefs on food can be just as sacred as beliefs on religion or politics.  Let the comments begin!)