Monday, April 6, 2009
Its A Boy.....A Third Son
Three boys. Three boys with energy, with messes, with ideas, with adventures, with dreams...three. It is way more than two. Two is normal. Two doesn't raise eyebrows in a restaurant. Two doesn't bring looks of empathy. Two doesn't get reactions, but three, three gets noticed.
My husband and I began laughing over the irony or three boys even before the ultrasound technician would confirm our hunch. She kept showing us other exciting baby parts---the heart, kidneys, legs, feet, face, but really, don't most of us get giddy for that 20 week ultrasound to hear, "It's a girl! It's a boy!"
I was hoping to hear, "It's a girl!" I had dreams and wishes. I wanted to buy pink things that were feminine. I wanted a drawer for bows and hair ties. I wanted to listen to my little girl cry because so-and-so said this or that. I wanted the details only a girl can give about a first date or the big prom. I wanted someone to still love and visit me when I am 90 and not so pleasant to be around. I really wanted a daughter. I wanted to see my husband melt as a little girl climbed up onto his lap and kissed him on the cheek. These were my images of how great life with two boys and a little girl could be. But, that dream was dashed and tucked away on October 1st.
I called my sister. Sure I was fine. We can't wait to love and meet our newest boy. I wouldn't have to plan and pay for weddings! Weddings were always major times of tension between my sister, me, and my mom. There were perks. My boys would love another brother. More wrestling partners. More trucks and tractor toys to fight over. More people to laugh at farts and burps. I'd be the special woman in four men's lives. I get that. I know it is good. I feel loved.
Still, I cried. I lay in my bed and cried. Boohoo for me. No little girl to dote on and eventually fight with. The strong matriarch reign in my family was coming to a screaming halt. The tide had turned. Even our new puppy is male.
I asked my husband, "Are you excited? Do you love him?"
The answer was yes. That made me happier. I can't imagine what he'll be like. The two we have are so different and unique from each other. Is there a possible their variation? There must be. I wonder what color his hair will be. We have one son with red and the other with blonde. Will his be brown? Will he be lanky or stocky? Will he favor my husband or me? Will he have fair skin or will he tan like his daddy? Will he hug and kiss me and say, "I love you too!" Will he be the one that visits me when I'm 90? Will he love me when no one else does?
I think the answer to many of these questions are yes. I will love him: love his baby smell and his baby touch. That first embrace will be memorable and significant, and I celebrate and long for that. I am learning that life is about surrendering my ideas and embracing what is given to me.
(This first appeared in the Newberg Graphic on October 29, 2008. Since then I have embraced, loved, and marveled at my third son. I love him so completely, and am eager to know who this little guy has been created to be. I still get a bit sad over not having that little girl I so wished for, my little Elsie, but I keep praying that I will get lucky and get three daughter-in-laws that I love, adore, and relate well with. Totally possible, right?)